A Music Test To Determine If You’re Too Old
“If it’s too loud you’re too old.”
That’s my motto and something I cling too as the seasons change and the moons wax and wane. It’s hard to adhere to that simple principal. Not because of anything necessarily associated with the aging process. It’s just that sometimes the volume knob is so far away and I don’t want to get up.
The “old” in my motto is not an actual age. After all, “age” is just a number and who cares about numbers? “Old” is a state of mind, a way of acting, a condition of being. I say this knowing full well that I’m older than the combined age of any two members of Five Seconds of Summer.
Since music is so connected to youth—sex, drugs & rock ‘n’ roll is a young man’s game—it’s a great barometer for whether or not someone is “old.” What follows is a test to determine whether you’re “young,” “old,” or “desperately fighting the aging process.”
This test has nothing to do with whether or not you remember vinyl records (which are awesome by the way) or where you were when you heard the Stone Roses debut album for the first time (at my friend’s house). Nor is this test about whether or not you know the latest “hip” bands or the current cutting edge artists. That stuff doesn’t make you “young” or “old” just well informed. No, this test is to determine whether or not you still have enough youth in the tank to turn it up to 11.
To meet demand, Garth Brooks is going to play two shows during select nights of his world tour. The first concert will kick off at 6:30pm and the second one at 10:00pm. Which show do you attend?
- The 10:00pm show and then afterwards we can all go out for drinks.
- Does he ever perform at 4:00pm?
- I’d loved to go to the 10:00pm but (insert excuse here). So I should probably go to the 6:30pm concert.
If you answered “A” you’re definitely young. If you answered “B” you’re definitely old. If you answered “C” then you’re desperately fighting the aging process. I know I should be going to the 10:00pm show, but how awesome would it be to attend a concert at 6:00pm? Depending on your commute, you could be home and in bed by 9:30pm!
Don’t worry about how, but you have to take your favorite tween girl and her two friends to a One Direction concert. What is your immediate reaction?
- No way! I’m not going to a One Direction concert even if you paid me.
- Isn’t that Justin Bieber’s old band?
- You act annoyed and inconvenienced but inside you can’t wait to hear "Story of My Life" live and see Harry in person.
Ironically, one of the best ways to stay young is to hate on boy bands. Don’t ask me why, that’s just the way it goes. Yet, as you age you realize that some of those teeny-boppers, especially 1-D, have some pretty catchy songs. So you split the difference. You accompany your favorite 12-year-old but complain enough to make it appear like you despise boy bands.
Your friend acquires several three-day passes to Coachella. Due to the circumstances of your relationship, you must attend. What is your initial fear?
- How will I score some killer weed?
- I thought if I had Coachella as a child I couldn’t catch it as an adult?
- Will I have to sleep in a tent?
One of the great things about being young is the ability to endure discomfort. If you have plenty of alcohol, and “other things,” you can pretty much eat nothing and sleep anywhere for a long weekend. As you age, you grow more and more in love with your bed and coffee maker. That’s why music festivals, the ultimate bastion of youth, are very hard for those of us with a few years under our belts. While the music is great they are the epitome of uncomfortableness. Now, if someone could invent an outdoor music festival surrounded by hotels, I’d be there with bells on.
This November and December, Steve Hackett is touring North America with his “Genesis Revisited Tour?” A good friend of yours has tickets and invites you to accompany him or her. How do you respond to the invitation?
- Who in the hell is Steve Hackett?
- Who in the hell is Steve Hackett?
- You say yes because you think it will be a great concert and one in which you won’t have to stand the whole night.
What is it with standing during an entire concert? You paid for a seat why aren’t you sitting in it? Standing was great when you were too young to rent a car, but now that you have a mortgage you want to sit. Besides, what’s better than sitting for two hours and listening to great live music? Well, nothing besides lying on your couch and listening to live music (unfortunately that’s never an option). By the way, Steve Hackett was a member of Genesis from 1970 to 1977.
What kind of music do you listen to when you’re making dinner, reading, and entertaining friends?
- It doesn’t matter what I’m doing I always to listen to my favorite music and I turn it up as loud as possible.
- I don’t listen to music. Instead, I turn on Fox News.
- I listen to the adult alternative station broadcasted by my cable provider.
When I was in college, I listened to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and Soundgarden all the time. It didn’t matter what I was doing. Their music was always on my stereo and it was always loud. When you get a bit older you tend to treat music more like a piece of furniture; it’s like a candle or a throw pillow. That’s why the music on-demand “adult alternative” station is so perfect. It’s relatively mellow, it’s appropriate for anything, and the artists are hip enough to make it appear like you’re still cool.